The light this morning was beautiful as the first snow of the year fell thick and fast. I woke with the light and spent the first hour taking photographs before the hillside field next to our house was turned from frozen perfection to a melee of children families and dogs enjoying the next lockdown possible fun.
Then I came in for a hot shower…
I am a hoarder and given the current shopping situation is it probably for the best. I have changed size considerably this year due to trying to avoid diabetes, and have moved down 4 dress sizes- all while not visiting any real life clothes shops.
Out came a box of underwear from the time of my wedding in 2006. The wedding was immediately followed by a pregnancy (I mean immediately- first baby 9 months 4 days after the wedding) and the underwear was never worn again.
At my peak I got to about a 42G, but now I am about a 38F ish, which doesn’t look any smaller on me as everything else has shrunk accordingly. This bra is a little too small and tight at the moment- an E cup and not quite long enough in the straps- but it is a sign of how much my body has changed.
Snowy day, snow white bra.
The weight loss was a side effect of monitoring my blood sugar and cutting out anything that caused a spike, but taught me lots about my body on the way. It really doesn’t like starchy carbohydrates and probably never has. When I eat them now- as my blood sugar stabilized we started to introduce food back in- I get massively anxious: the underlying chemical anxiety with no outside trigger I used to feel all the time, and feel bloated and leaden. Bread, pasta and other flour based products have gone completely, with rare exceptions for birthday cake, beer and rice might be a once a month treat. I cannot tell you how much better I feel, how much more under control my autistic background noise is and how much more energy I have.
And I get to wear up my old clothes.
This isn’t a fatphobic post. For a start I am still very generously padded and me the person and the me others see- the outside projection of my body-are as disconnected as they always were, but others will see me as fat and will treat me accordingly. Only the changing size labels on the clothes tells me anything about my size. That and the way the lovely Mr Hunt and I fit together differently- which is worth a post in it’s own right! I look in the mirror and feel I look the same as I did last year.
Judging anyone by the shape of their body is just as weird to me as judging someone by the genitals they were born with or sport now…
Equally this was a personal choice to avoid health risks that were already monitorable and directly attributable to fat I couldn’t see inside my body. I have to stay fit and healthy for my children so I can be a good carer and this is easier now. Others can carry more fat and be healthy- I wasn’t.
Anyhow- I have reduced, and can now reuse old clothes, and recycle my newer ones to the women’s refuge. I hope Bob the Builder would be proud.